Every year I seem to get stuck in a time warp as the end of the year comes, usually starting in October. During this time, as the weather cools, time alternatively crawls or leaps in unpredictable patterns, making me dizzy and irritable. I often lose track of time–sometimes even full days–as there is no set schedule for my work days and they all run together in a rolling blur. Days grow shorter and people seem to either become more withdrawn or more restless. That vibe can permeate even when it is meant to be a happy time during the holidays. This listless forward motion is cut with moments of gratitude, such as stopping to watch a sunset, or witnessing a random person helping another in need, a kind word, etc. Sometimes those things get lost in the background chaos, too. 

Starting somewhere at the end of January, the Darkest Depths are found. Several months are spent clawing back out of the Hole in Space and Time that morphs together with trippy lights and sound effects like, “wha-wha-wha-wha”. Or, maybe, “wier-wier-wier-wier”. Or, some smoosh of those two noises as I fall down its silo. It’s hard to concentrate on life duties while all of that distraction is occuring internally. It takes effort just to be awake some days. The walls of the Depths are made of gelatin. Irregular hand grips can be seen, distorted below the refraction of the gelatin’s surface–so, I know there is a way back out. It’s impossible not to have gooey, cramping fingers due to holding so tightly in fear of the surface peeling away from its matrix with me in tow. When the piece pulls away from the wall, it tears with its handhold and me dangling from it, gently bending like a flower petal heavy with a raindrop. When this occurs, grip is usually lost and I find myself slurped right back down into the dunghole from which I just crawled. Damn you, gelatin. 

I look up to the darkness at the end of the silo and start the climb again, trying to forget how far I got last time before I fell. Each trial must be seen as new pursuit. I try to maintain curiosity or else I would just stay at the bottom and await starvation. 

I generally feel like I am missing something during this time period, but can’t put my finger on what that would be. It seems as if I am searching for some greater meaning in the end of one year to the next. The ability to remain calm becomes very difficult with all that introspection over what Was (or Was Not) done and all of the things that are still on the TO-DO list that stares me down, awaiting action.  Add that to even more crowds and people that are stressed, and the external struggle is real, as well. Especially in the city. As the world gets bigger, I need a smaller focus. Thoughts turn to look at the world and myself. As the crowds surge, I tend to withdrawal. I consider where I am in life and where I fit into all of this. This generally turns to replayed thoughts, fatigue and worry sometime after the new year. 

The goal of each passing year is to let this all go, which is a work in progress. Life is about progression–moment here, moment gone. It is much easier to be aware of my responses to all of this as I age. The point is to be aware, but not fixating. If I get stuck in the past, or am constantly considering the future, then I miss the miracles happening right in front of me.